Coach John McGuirk Quotes
A list of my favorite Coach McGuirk Quotes
Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, throw up quicker
Uh, Lets do another drink, Poor the Whiskey... and whats left in here? MUSTARD, add a little ice and some milk and some parsley, there's a pimiento on the floor ...BOOM! SUCK IT DOWN! (screams uhhhhhh).... THATS GOOD, THATS THE HOT MUSTARD!! (then falls asleep standing up)
Hi. I'm John McGuirk, and I am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level. The kind of woman I'm interested in is the type that is still watching this tape. I also have a very nice car, although technically I don't have legal access to it at this time.
Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it.
Brendon there's nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God.
This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.
I've been all over the world, Brendon, except for Europe. And Asia. And South America, I haven't been to there yet.
[looking at Eddie, a bald child with an oxygen ventilator] I love this kid. He's like a chipmunk with a disease.
[Cuts down door with two swords] It's Spaghetti Time!
I'll race / To feel the wind in my face / And I'll race / To feel alive / And I'll race / To feel like I own this place / And I'll race until I die / And I'll race against the other racers / And I'll race with one big shout / And I'll race against the clock / And I'll race against myself / And I'll race / And I'll race! (song in Bye Bye Greasy)
Uh, this is a poem I call "New York Times". New York Times. / New York Times. / You think you're better than us? / Us? / U-S? / USA? / No Way. Thank you.
Oh, that's genius Melissa. What a great idea. Let me write that down. So you're saying what I have to do to fall asleep, is go to sleep. Right? Is that what you're saying, Melissa? Good. 'Cause it's brilliant! You should write a book! You should give seminars, all right, you'll make millions of dollars! Attention all insomniacs, all you have to do to fall asleep, is lie in your bed*! [shouts]
Yeah, you get sucked into the funnel and everyone's separated then it's like a fun ride. But, if you're all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other and then your heads collide and you die.
[being examined by the nurse] Lady, you can come on to me all you want. I'm gonna say no every time.
'Cause they're not like us here. Brendan, we're different, we're not studiers. We're not the worker ants. We're the queens! You and me are the queen bees!
See this? That's right that's the woman from the Chiquita Banana. I get drunk one night, and now my body looks like a grocery store. Dont get a tattoo. Play soccer.
So I got drunk, and I went into the parlor and said "Give me a picture of that cow on the cheese 'cuz I love that cheese. Give me that cow on that cheese.
I've got trademark products all over my body, it's like going to market, because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me Brendon.
Well I just drank pee Brendon, How's it goin with you?
Women are an interesting bunch. I'll make an analogy here, they're like GRAPES... Well, Thats all I've got, really. You see, I said BUNCH, so I thought of GRAPES. If I had said women are an interesting GROUP..I would've thought of... damn it i thought of grapes again
here's what I need: food. fast food. preferably. Beer. light beer. preferably. I need a satillite map of this whole area. Im gunna need some hair dye, fake mustache.I need gunpowder! melissa: would you settle for some marshmallows?
I was in a fight last week Brendon. Oh yeah? Yeah, and I won. Who'd you fight? David. You mean our forward? Yeah (chuckles) that kid can NOT fight.
There are no time-out's in soccer? ... Really?
It's never real with you! (says to Brendon in Focus Grill)
Coach John McGuirk from the way under rated cartoon show called "Home Movies." Comedic genious H. Jon Benjamin does Coach Mcguirks voice along with Jasons voice. Coach Mcguirk is an elementary school soccer coach. Coach Mcguirk is 38 years old and is like no other cartoon character. He as an overweight, alcoholic, sacrastic Irishman. He is like a father figure for Brendon Small and gets along with him pretty well and with Melissa too. He is a person that doesn't get along with many people, especially children. The absolute ingenius thing about Coach Mcguirk is that he absolutely hates soccer and children. He has no patience and has never even played soccer yet you will notice that he never takes his whistle off. Coach Mcguirk was not only one of the funniest characters on the show but had the BEST quotes!! We never got to meet Coaches mom or dad but we knew that he hated his mother who was in one episode heckling Mcguirk as he was doing his stand up but we didn't get to see her face. We just heard her voice. His father was deceased and in one episode he mentions that he was raised by a Greek man. We also learn that although Coach McGuirk is Irish, he was a Scottish Highland dancer who didn't make it due to a melt down he had which he blames on his short legs. He not only offers Brendon and Melissa advice but he often helps the kids including Jason. He doesn't always want to but often does. As much as McGuirk comes off as an insensitive man, he surprises us in many episodes. One being when he spends quality time with a sick and disabled child named Eddie who ends up moving to Arizona. He loved and protected Eddie, it was adorable. This caused him to become a big brother but then ruined that by losing the misguided teen, lol!! It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Another sign of McGuirks sensitivity is when he hears bagpipes playing and this causes him to cry, this being because it reminded him of his Scottish Highland dancing days. But I do believe that Coach McGuirk is at his best when he's drunk, lol!!
Coach John McGuirk Quotes
A list of my favorite Coach McGuirk Quotes
Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, throw up quicker
Uh, Lets do another drink, Poor the Whiskey... and whats left in here? MUSTARD, add a little ice and some milk and some parsley, there's a pimiento on the floor ...BOOM! SUCK IT DOWN! (screams uhhhhhh).... THATS GOOD, THATS THE HOT MUSTARD!! (then falls asleep standing up)
Hi. I'm John McGuirk, and I am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level. The kind of woman I'm interested in is the type that is still watching this tape. I also have a very nice car, although technically I don't have legal access to it at this time.
Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it.
Brendon there's nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God.
This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.
I've been all over the world, Brendon, except for Europe. And Asia. And South America, I haven't been to there yet.
[looking at Eddie, a bald child with an oxygen ventilator] I love this kid. He's like a chipmunk with a disease.
[Cuts down door with two swords] It's Spaghetti Time!
I'll race / To feel the wind in my face / And I'll race / To feel alive / And I'll race / To feel like I own this place / And I'll race until I die / And I'll race against the other racers / And I'll race with one big shout / And I'll race against the clock / And I'll race against myself / And I'll race / And I'll race! (song in Bye Bye Greasy)
Uh, this is a poem I call "New York Times". New York Times. / New York Times. / You think you're better than us? / Us? / U-S? / USA? / No Way. Thank you.
Oh, that's genius Melissa. What a great idea. Let me write that down. So you're saying what I have to do to fall asleep, is go to sleep. Right? Is that what you're saying, Melissa? Good. 'Cause it's brilliant! You should write a book! You should give seminars, all right, you'll make millions of dollars! Attention all insomniacs, all you have to do to fall asleep, is lie in your bed*! [shouts]
Yeah, you get sucked into the funnel and everyone's separated then it's like a fun ride. But, if you're all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other and then your heads collide and you die.
[being examined by the nurse] Lady, you can come on to me all you want. I'm gonna say no every time.
'Cause they're not like us here. Brendan, we're different, we're not studiers. We're not the worker ants. We're the queens! You and me are the queen bees!
See this? That's right that's the woman from the Chiquita Banana. I get drunk one night, and now my body looks like a grocery store. Dont get a tattoo. Play soccer.
So I got drunk, and I went into the parlor and said "Give me a picture of that cow on the cheese 'cuz I love that cheese. Give me that cow on that cheese.
I've got trademark products all over my body, it's like going to market, because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me Brendon.
Well I just drank pee Brendon, How's it goin with you?
Women are an interesting bunch. I'll make an analogy here, they're like GRAPES... Well, Thats all I've got, really. You see, I said BUNCH, so I thought of GRAPES. If I had said women are an interesting GROUP..I would've thought of... damn it i thought of grapes again
here's what I need: food. fast food. preferably. Beer. light beer. preferably. I need a satillite map of this whole area. Im gunna need some hair dye, fake mustache.I need gunpowder! melissa: would you settle for some marshmallows?
I was in a fight last week Brendon. Oh yeah? Yeah, and I won. Who'd you fight? David. You mean our forward? Yeah (chuckles) that kid can NOT fight.
There are no time-out's in soccer? ... Really?
It's never real with you! (says to Brendon in Focus Grill)
Brendon Small & Coach McGuirk
What Advice could Coach be giving Brendon?? LOL!!
Find Coach John McGuirk on myspace, facebook and yes even twitter!!
To spread the word of this genious cartoon character and this awesome cartoon that is like nothing else. Home Movies and its wonderful characters such as Coach John McGuirk were trully under-rated and under-credited. I just discovered Home Movies thanks to Adult Swim and I recommend this cartoon to ALL!! It blows Family Guy, Futurama, etc... out of the water, although I like those cartoons as well.
Home Movies Season 1 DVD review!
Together with his friends Melissa and Jason they make genre home movies or film parodies that will often reflect the troubles of their day to day childhood life. At school, Brendon is ?educated? by his soccer coach John McGuirk (played ...
The Best Cartoon Character Ever, Coach John McGuirk!!
Now that you know all about Coach John McGuirk, here's some info on the rest of the cast... Home Movies Cartoon Series 1999 - 2004 Created by: Loren Bouchard & Brendon Small Characters: Brendon Small (himself) ...
DVD Verdict Review - Home Movies: Season Four
There, they commune with Coach John McGuirk (also voiced by H. Jon Benjamin), a clueless hipster doofus who never fails to offer bad advice. For the final season, we see the kids toil away at a God-forsaken performance camp, ... For me, Home Movies owed much of its success to tone. I think Brendon Small and Loren Bouchard, the creators and showrunners, were able to carve out a niche for their series to fit into, and throughout the run, just nailed their unique feel. ...
Home Movies - Television Tropes & Idioms
Home Movies was a show on UPN, later Adult Swim, about Brendon Small, and was created and written by Brendon Small. As you probably already guessed, it's more or less a highly fictionalized autobiography in cartoon format. Brendon is a young aspiring filmmaker, ... When not at home making films, the show centers around the three kids at school and their interactions with Brendon's homeroom teacher Mr. Lynch and Brendon's soccer coach, John "The Jerk" McGuirk. ...
Wach Home Movies NOW
All Home Movies episodes Available NOW
You can also download other shows, cartoons and movies available right NOW for your viewing!! And you have the option of burning to a disc!!
TV Maximum
Satellite TV for PC
Internet TV
Downloads 4 U
Video PS3 Downloads
Download to Your Phone OR
The Rest of the Characters on Home Movies
Now that you know all about Coach John McGuirk, here's some info on the rest of the cast...
Home Movies Cartoon Series 1999 - 2004
Created by: Loren Bouchard & Brendon Small
Characters:
Brendon Small (himself)
Melissa Robbins (Melissa Galsky)
Jason Penopolis (H. Jon Benjamin)
Coach John McGuirk (H. Jon Benjamin)
Paula Small (Paula Poundstone 1999-2001/Janine Ditullio 2001-2004)
Josie Small (Loren Bouchard)
Erik Robins (Jonathon Katz)
Ronald Lynch (himself)
Walter & Perry (Brendon Small & H. Jon Benjamin)
Fenton Mulley (Sam Seder)
Shannon (Emo Phillips)
Dwayne (Brendon Small)
Cynthia (Jen Kirkman)
Linda (Laura Silverman)
Jimmy Monet (Will Le Bow)
Andrew Small (Louis C.K.)
Dr. Fizzel & Mitch (Mitch Hedberg)
Arnold Lindenson (Andy Kindler)
Eugene (Eugene Mirman)
Stephanie (Kelly Kimball)
4 Seasons = 52 Episodes
1 Season 1
1.1 Get Away From My Mom [1.01]
1.2 I Don't Do Well In Parent-Teacher Conferences [1.02]
1.3 The Art Of The Sucker Punch [1.03]
1.4 Brendon Gets Rabies [1.04]
1.5 Yoko [1.05]
1.6 Director's Cut [1.06]
1.7 It Was Supposed to be Funny [1.07]
1.8 Method Of Acting [1.08]
1.9 Life Through A Fish Eye Lens [1.09]
1.10 School Nurse [1.10]
1.11 Mortgages And Marbles [1.11]
1.12 Law & Boarders [1.12]
1.13 Brendon's Choice [1.13]
2 Season 2
2.1 Politics [2.01]
2.2 Identifying a Body [2.02]
2.3 Hiatus [2.03]
2.4 Business & Pleasure [2.04]
2.5 The Party [2.05]
2.6 Impressions [2.06]
2.7 Dad [2.07]
2.8 Therapy [2.08]
2.9 Class Trip [2.09]
2.10 History [2.10]
2.11 Writer's Block [2.11]
2.12 Pizza Club [2.12]
2.13 The Wedding [2.13]
3 Season 3
3.1 Shore Leave [3.01]
3.2 Breaking Up Is Hard To Do [3.02]
3.3 Bad Influences [3.03]
3.4 Improving Your Life Through Improv [3.04]
3.5 Four's Company [3.05]
3.6 Renaissance [3.06]
3.7 My Cheatin' Heart [3.07]
3.8 Guitarmageddon [3.08]
3.9 Storm Warning [3.09]
3.10 Time To Pay The Price [3.10]
3.11 Broken Dreams [3.11]
3.12 Stowaway [3.12]
3.13 Coffins And Cradles [3.13]
4 Season 4
4.1 Everyone's Entitled To My Opinion [4.01]
4.2 Camp [4.02]
4.3 Bye, Bye Greasy [4.03]
4.4 The Heart Smashers [4.04]
4.5 The Wizard's Baker [4.05]
4.6 Psycho-Delicate [4.06]
4.7 Curses [4.07]
4.8 Honkey Magoo [4.08]
4.9 Those Bitches Tried To Cheat Me [4.09]
4.10 Cho & The Adventures Of Amy Lee [4.10]
4.11 Definite Possible Murder [4.11]
4.12 Temporary Blindness [4.12]
4.13 Focus Grill [4.13]
Had to throw this in there... Doesn't anyone sell any of the Home Movies character Costumes?? A Coach John McGuirk Costume would be kick ass!!
Oh yeah.... and who agrees that they should bring Home Movies back or at the least make a Home Movies MOVIE?? I do... what about you?
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